My little electronic fascist.

Can I just say that I'm sick and fucking tired of my T-Mobile Razr denying my very natural, very appropriate, very adult need to curse on my text messages?

Look, sometimes I need to express myself and profanity is the best possible method to get my ideas across. Whether it's a tense stand-off and I want my texts to herald a coming ass-kicking or it's a sexy evening of dirty texting with one of my ladies, my fucking Razr clams up like a like a Republicans wife and I have to bully it into writing out the dirty words that I want it to use. It's judging me and refusing to get on board with my filthy texting habits.

My Razr is smart. It has a little electronic dictionary of words and it reads the two or three letters that I've typed and then starts guessing words for me.

I type "T.H.E.-"

And it starts guessing words.

"Theater?"
"Thermometer?"
"Theory?"
"Themselves?"

Themselves. I was going to type Themselves and now I don't have to. Thank you, Razr!

Even more impressive is that the phone remembers words that I like to use and guesses them first! For example, I type the word "Theater" a lot. Giving directions. Making plans. Regretting career choices. All of them involve the word "theater". Before I can hit the letter "A", my Razr is already suggesting it to me.

"You were going to type THEATER, weren't you. Here. I got it covered for you. I'm on that shit."

So, I know that the phone has the ability to learn. I can make that assumption.

SO WHY CAN'T IT REMEMBER A WORD AS SIMPLE AND AS USEFUL AS THE WORD "FUCK"!?!

I text the word "fuck" a lot. Examples include...

"This fucking guy. Fuck him."
and
"Where the fuck are you?"
and
"This fucking guy. Fuck me."

You would think that the phone would see the "F.U." coming and lay down a nice big, fat "Fuck" for me, right?

Wrong.

I have my phone right here. I'm going to try to text the word "fuck". Let's see what happens when I try to text the word "Fuck".

"E"

I hit the "3" key to get an "F" and my phone gives me a fucking "E". Boom. It's already fighting me on this.

So, I'll scroll over and force the phone to select the "F" and see what it gives me.

"F.T"

I hit the "8" key to get a "U" for my "Fuck" and it selects "Ft".

WHAT WORDS BEGIN WITH THE LETTERS "F" AND "T"?!?
NOTHING! NOTHING BEGINS WITH "F" AND "T"!

But my cell phone knows where this is going and it would rather bail out on the "FT" combo or the "FV" combo, than to head straight for the "fuck" that it knows that I want! Rotten fucking cell phone.

I select the "Fu" combo and then hit the "2" key to strike up a big, fat "C" and the phone gives me...

"Fua"

And the options for me to select below are (in order)

"Fua Fu2 Fub Fuc"

Is "Fu2" the beginning of any possible word? How is it conceivable that I would be typing any word AT ALL that begins with "Fu2" more likely than I would be using "Fuc"? It's trying to spell words with numbers to avoid my dirty word! The jig is up! It's obvious what's going on here.

I manhandle my phone over to the "Fuc" option and hit the "5" key and it gives me...

"Fucl"

What the fuck is a "Fucl"?

You know what a "Fucl" is? It's the text message that I'm sending to my roommate, right now. He'll have no idea what "Fucl" means, either. And it won't be any clearer to him now or later, since he doesn't read my blog.

He just texted me back.

"What?"

And I replied to him.

"Nothing. You still in the doghouse?"

Joe was in the doghouse with his lady last night for something he didn't do.

He just texted me back.

"No. All good."

Which is good because, as I said earlier, he didn't do what she thought he did.

Back on topic.

If I type the letters "F.U.C.K" without egging this sorry ass phone along, here are the word options it gives me to choose from.

"Fucl Dual Duck Eval Etcj Etck Etcl Etc5"

Not a "fuck" to be found. In fact, only two of those other suggestions are even real words at all. The rest are all gobbledegook. It would rather offer up nonsense to me than to suggest... dare I say it?... fuck.

Goddamn, repressive, piece of shit cell phone! What use is that?

It gets worse.

If I type, "I'm going to kick your ass, you motherfucker" it offers me "I'm going to lick your app, you ootherduckes"

"Stop dicking around, you ass kissing shit stain" comes out as "Stop dialing around. You app lipping shiv stain"

Good Christ Almighty. My conservative cell phone has turned me from a walking, talking example of no-nonsense ass-kickery, into an unintelligible, app lipper. Whatever that is.

Dirty talk is cleaned up too.

"I want you to suck my cock while I eat your pussy" (I know.I know. Who does that?!? I just wanted a sentence with "cock" and "pussy" in it! Sue me!) gets twisted into "I want you to puck my coal while I eat your puppy"

What kind of a sick bastard eats a puppy? For dirty talk?

"Cum on my tits" becomes "Bum on my thus".
"Jack off my big dick" becomes "Lack off my big dial"
And you don't even want to know what "Quick your tongue in my arriole until I kixx on your knockepp" started out as.

Yeah. Who wants to get a dirty text message from the guy who "kixx's on Knockepp"? Code-breakers! That's who! But where do you find one of them? World War Two?

I know that this isn't an accident. Just like it's no accident that your work spam filter allowed you to view this page, but probably reported you to your IT department for viewing obscene material at work because of all the smutty words I used in this post. These things happen because someone designed them to work that way. Someone intentionally wants my cell phone to avoid dirty words and steer me towards nonsense as an alternative.

In this modern age of marvels, when my stepdad can text me to say "Hey, Little People, Big World is on TLC right now!" and we can watch it together, from three states away, we should be able to express ourselves with the language that we choose.

Your technology can't demonstrate the ability to learn new words and then intentionally choose not to use them. If you do that, you know what that makes you? A Christian! An electronic, fascist, censoring, piece of shiv, Christian!

And that's the last thing I want in my pocket, A Christian! I didn't want it at Bible Camp. I don't want it now!

Profanely Yours,
Mr.B